Is this human nature?

I actually plan to write about this long time ago. After feeling down and out for the past few days, I think I should write down to release this big burden of mine :( Maybe in future, I can take a look back and see how childish I am.

Why does everyone so irresponsible and self-centred? Why us, as a human can only think of ourselves and not others? Not even for tiny little things. Why must we be so unappreciative to others? I think I should try to learn this. To learn to be unappreciative, uncaring, selfish, irresponsible and even better, to not become the idiot who think of other needs and in the process hurt himself...

Friends... A word that bring up thousand memories and words... But, do I have a real friend? One who never thinking of taking advantage of me? One who is there for me? One who will remember me when I am not around anymore? Many questions with no answers. In many people opinions, I have a lot of friends. My kindie, primary, secondary, Uni, Incovar and a lot more. But is there any who is really take me as is it? Maybe... But I cannot feel it. Is there something wrong with me? Is there because I am over stress and too tension to feel it? I think I am getting paranoid as time passed...

But who can blame to for feeling this way? Maybe I shouldn't think too much. Too much expectation lead to a lot more disappointment.

I never expected anyone to celebrate and give me anything when my birthday come. But why others expected me to do it. OK... Fine, I do it. I share to pay for the celebration when all of your birthdays come. But why when my birthday come, I am the one who pay for everthing. I am the one who go through all the hardship to call for gathering. To find a nice place so that we can sit down and have a nice chat. To let all of you eat and drink. But what is the result? Not even a small cake or a little token of appreciation. Not even a thank you. All of you just come and go... Is this called FRIEND??? Please go away and don't bother to show up anymore. I am so f**k up!!!

Sorry for my language. Too angry and sad to find a more proper word. Maybe this is what human are. To only think of themselves. To only do something when they will benefit. Maybe this is my karma. The seeds that I have planted long time ago that causes me to meet those I met in this world. I shouldn't be too down. I shouldn't let others affect my mood and my feeling.

Dear Buddha, please help to calm me down. Thank you for all the challenges that help me grow up. I will try my best to follow your teaching...

Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu!!!

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